An unexpected trigger for today’s thoughts on our journey, doing the food shopping. With several siblings and associated aunts and uncles stopping by or coming to stay to spend time with mum I spend a lot of time heading to the supermarket but today’s trip brought several the issues to mind. I’m not sure if it was clear from the earlier posts but I have moved in with Mum to be a helper during this time. I was already in the process of selling my house when she got sick so when I sold quicker than expected I decided to move in with mum. This has meant that I am able to put my stuff in storage and just move right in to help with what we thought was going to be her treatment and road to recovery. Finding time to pack up the house, on the other hand, is not so easy to find.
Right, back to the shopping story. Mum did well yesterday with her eating as she kept all of her meals down including dinner which hadn’t happened for several days so I wanted to keep this going especially as she is eating very little now. Thinking about her lack of appetite and nausea in the store really impressed on me how I use food to show how much I care for people and how much it hurts when this can no longer be done. I also realise how important food and eating together is for our family and how much the process of dying and looking after the dying can change simple things that we take for granted. Mum sits at her chair for meals now rather than the table so for family dinners we either sit around the lounge of separate at the table. Logistic’s like numbers and little children means that eating in the lounge is not often possible and family dinners are now designed separately from Mum rather than including her as she is having smaller meals more often and not normally at the same time as the rest of the family.
Today I walked around the isles of the store today to find something to give mum some food that she would be tempted to eat, something to make her hungry or bring up some happy memories for her. I was very saddened though, and by sad I mean having a quick and hidden cry in the middle of the pasta section of the supermarket, to realise that all of her old favourites are now off the table. We love exploring the world through food in our family and Mum loved spicy and rich foods, Authentic curries, chilli hot Thai, even all of the more traditional creamy Italian pasta’s are a no go. That so much of the foods she loved are no longer enjoyed was a sad realisation and that combined with her already being separated from the family eating together became so much more clear. I spend far more time cooking and far less time enjoying it and I don’t think I’m the only one.
I wanted to add a resolution at the end of this, what we can do to better the situation, but maybe this is more about recognising and accepting the change. But I’m not ready, I don’t know if I ever will be ready to accept the reality even when the reality has actually come to pass I don’t feel like I’ll be ready.