Family support though is I am finding crucial. As I have stated before I have an amazing whanau, I lucked out. My siblings have all gathered the resources and strengths they have and are here as much as they can be to help with Mum and to spend as much time with her as possible. This is also drawing each of us closer together in ways that I had not expected. There had been some slight bumps along the way from the small to the slightly bigger but nothing too big. I do spend far more time than expected hunting for things in the kitchen as with half a dozen people putting away dishes things end up in the strangest places but at least they are helping with the dishes. I did go away for the night for a few weeks ago and came back to find the entire pantry reorganized but after a split second realized that it was a far better job than we had before and so I made the sister who did it agree to come to do mine once this period is finished and I buy a new house.
My sibling’s partners have been, so far at least :-), a great support for them looking after the children, supporting them to come to our home more often and just being a sounding board but being a single parent is far more challenging. I don’t have those things and it is a loss I feel keenly at this time. While I have a kid to cuddle its not the same as having another adult in my life, to be the one being cuddled rather than the cuddler. And that’s not something I normally bother with. I like being alone and independent and normally have no desire to get into a relationship or find a girlfriend or boyfriend but first the first time I do feel the loss of a partner. Not a good reason to get one of course as it would be a bit unflattering I think ‘Hi would you like to be my boyfriend so you can support me in my time of need and maybe do some of the cooking and then get lost’. I believe that we will continue to work as a strong team although as Mum gets closer to death we may need a few more deep breathes and to work at it a bit more.
The truth is that Mum is and has always been the touchstone of our family and we will all feel her loss impossibly deeply. While it hurt to lose Dad it felt different and I didn’t love him any less I think but the role that Mum has always placed has been far more central to our lives and the loss seems unimaginable. I try to remember not to focus too much on the loss yet, my daughter’s therapist told her to ‘focus on the now and don’t start grieving till she needs to’ and its good advice but it is easier said than done.