This has been very challenging. My siblings and I have all chosen to tell our children, aged from 4 to 26, what is happening in age-appropriate ways. I have read that some people don’t tell children based on the idea that children are too innocent to know but none of us even considered this. The kids all lost their Poppa last year and so at least the oldest ones know what death means for them, that the person is gone from our day to day life, even if they don’t get the reality of it. We want them to know, to spend their last minutes with their Nana, to understand what is physically happening to her as she goes through the processes of dying however this has been a challenge. For me, I also think the idea of not telling is a bit insulting to the children’s ability to cope and have a proper send-off, however each to their own as people do have different beliefs.
I have a 15-year-old daughter who has only me and my side of the whanau and she has been living next door to her grandparents since she was born making her incredibly close to her Nana and Poppa. Last year she lost her Poppa after a lingering illness and that was only now starting to be being dealt with and she also has her fair share of anxiety, far more than can be considered teen angst all of which makes this newest loss for her is incredibly troubling. She loves her Nana so much and Mum has been a second parent to her, attending school things when I couldn’t, looking after her when I had to work late or evenings, just being there for her. She is losing not just a grandparent but a second parent who and this will be the second of her consistent adults to die in the last few years.
My daughter is struggling to be away from me at the moment and finding school almost impossible. Her very small group of friends have no idea how to talk to her about what’s happening and the classes and upcoming exams are just piling on the stress. I don’t know how to prepare her for this when I am going through this myself. How do we as children, who need to prioritize our Mum still make sure that our children are in the first place? how do I as a single parent find the core of clam needed to address my child’s needs while I fell like falling a to bits myself? This is very much a question I believe I will have ti answer as we go along as I can’t see the how to find the balance right now.